It's not very fair is, it? Come on Erling, these people have families. The rampant Norwegian is proving to be the usual source of chaos, chaos that once all is said and done will probably see Manchester City beat Arsenal to the Premier League title for the third year in a row.
Haaland is a robot, an alien, a footballing juggernaut who destroys everyone and everything in his wake.
As Arsenal slumped to a 1-1 draw with Brighton in Saturday's lunchtime kick-off, Man City responded in emphatic fashion. Well, their striker responded.
Pep Guardiola's main man was at it again at the London Stadium to down West Ham in brutal, mesmerising fashion.
Haaland's performance against West Ham
The Norway international's hat-trick against Ipswich Town the weekend prior felt inevitable. Kieran McKenna's men performed some admirable business in the transfer window but very little can prepare you for the onslaught of Haaland.
The Tractor Boys went 1-0 up but the powerhouse forward responded by knocking three goals past them. Well, he was at it again against West Ham on Saturday evening.
Another hat-trick was notched up to take his early season tally to seven goals in three outings. For anyone who doesn't have him in their fantasy team, quite frankly, what are you playing at?
This is an unstoppable beast and the way in which he took his trio of goals in the capital two days ago was freakish. The second was a rasping crunching effort that soared past the goalkeeper and the third, out of nowhere, was quite magnificent.
Haaland ran in behind and comfortably slotted the ball past substitute goalkeeper and former Arsenal man Lukasz Fabianski as if he wasn't even in the net.
So, good luck Gunners. Truly, good luck finding a way to beat Man City when they have him up front.
How do they respond? Well, despite not adding a centre-forward to their ranks over the summer, they are beginning to build quite the weapon up front.
Arsenal's answer to Haaland
Now, hear us out, but Kai Havertz does have similar attributes to Haaland.
He may not have the goalscoring prowess – although that is improving – but he has a lengthy build that ensures he is a nightmare for defenders, boasts remarkable strength and is left-footed.
That last one is rather tenuous, admittedly, but like we said, hear us out for a few minutes, he has come a long way since his blase attitude was said to be "like Mesut Ozil" by Paul Merson.
Standing at 6 foot 4, the £65m signing from Chelsea is actually the same height as City's no.9. So, there's the first box ticked.
Where else are they similar? Well, they've got that style of play that looks rather effortless. The German has already been compared to a figure like Dennis Bergkamp and it's clear to see why.
He may not be as graceful as the great Dutchman but like Haaland, that wirey frame and the long strides they possess come in handy when looking for two things; someone to hold the ball up and someone to regularly hassle defenders.
Until recently, Havertz had been playing as more of a false 9 in the Arsenal team. Yet, in 2024/25, he's been given the keys to become the leading man. The way he took his goal against Brighton on Saturday was Haaland-esque, racing onto a ball in behind and plonking the ball over Bart Verbruggen.
Stylistically there are also clear differences. Haaland has pace. Havertz isn't blessed hugely in that department. The numbers do tell us something interesting though, even if we can't quantify their biggest similarity; strength.
Progressive carries
1.33
2.00
Progressive passes
1.00
3.33
Passes completed
6
15
Passes into final third
0.33
0.33
Shot-creating actions
1.67
2.67
Tackles won
0.67
0.67
Touches
16.7
32.3
As we noted above, there are clear differences in some areas. Havertz is more creative, boasting more progressive passes per 90 minutes. There is a reason former teammate Roberto Hilbert once declared the Germany international has "some things Ozil had". This time we're comparing the two Germans in a positive light.
That said, they aren't really too dissimilar in the carrying department. They don't complete an awful number of passes per 90 minutes and defensively they've actually been relatively on par this term, leading the press with 0.67 tackles apiece.
There is little chance that Havertz ends up ending the campaign as prolific a goalscorer as Haaland but both of them, with their languid and rangy playstyles, will prove key in the destination of this season's Premier League title.
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